Vera, 64, has been looking after her five-year-old grandson since her daughter left for Italy. The child has become withdrawn. At nursery the teacher says he doesn't play with anyone. At home he cries for an hour before bed. Vera loves him, feeds him, dresses him — and doesn't know what to say when he asks: "Grandma, when is mummy coming home?"
If you recognise yourself in Vera, this article is for you. It is written for every generation of grandparents who find themselves here — more than 60,000 of them in Moldova alone.
They don't understand abstractions like "work", "abroad" or "money". They understand:
- Presence versus absence — who holds them, who feeds them.
- Routine — who puts them to bed, who wakes them.
- Voice and smell — how they recognise people.
The reaction to a parent leaving can appear immediately or weeks later — agitation, frequent crying, regression to earlier behaviours such as bedwetting after it had stopped, or thumb-sucking.
What to do:
- Physical continuity: identical routines. The same mealtime, bath, bedtime.
- Voice: audio recordings from mum or dad, played in the evening. Or a short video call before bed.
- Smell: keep one of mum's unwashed t-shirts. Put it by the bed.
They begin to understand "leaving in order to come back". But they don't understand duration — "a week" and "a year" feel the same.
Typical questions: When is mum coming? Why did she go? Is it my fault?
For "when":
- ✅ "Mum comes in December, after Christmas. That's this many months away" — and show it on a calendar.
- ❌ "Soon" — it's abstract, and it makes the anxiety worse.
For "why":
- ✅ "Mum works there so that you and your sister have everything you need. Not because she doesn't love you. She loves you just as much, she's just far away."
- ❌ "That's life" — it closes the conversation without answering the question.
For "is it my fault":
- ✅ "NO. Never believe that. Mum loves you exactly as you are. She left because there isn't enough work here, and that has nothing to do with you."
- Repeat it often, even unprompted — children this age believe they are the cause of everything.
Understanding deepens. They partly grasp the economics: mum earns more there. But the emotion stays difficult — usually internalised rather than shown, unlike in younger children.
Signs they are struggling, even when they seem fine:
- Problems at school — usually concentration rather than ability.
- Sleep problems.
- Irritability, arguments with classmates.
- Physical complaints without a cause.
- Refusing to talk about their parents.
What to say:
- Short, frequent conversations, not long, rare ones. "How was your day? Did you think about mum today?"
- Validate the feeling: "It's okay to be upset that mum isn't here. I miss her too."
- Don't fake feelings. If you are tired or sad, don't pretend to be cheerful. Children sense the false note.
If they ask something hard — does mum love me more, or my sister in Italy? — validate the feeling underneath first: "I understand why you'd wonder that. Does it make you feel set aside?" Then answer honestly: "Mum loves you as much as your sister. Love isn't divided — it multiplies."
The hardest age. The adolescent:
- Identifies the family's problems abstractly.
- Generates resentment — towards their parents, towards their grandparents as a substitute, towards the country.
- Is looking for identity — hard to build without daily models.
- Often shuts down — talks less, lives online.
Strategies:
- Don't push when they don't want to talk. Say it once: "I'm here. When you feel like it, we'll talk."
- Shared activities with no pressure — cooking, a walk, a car journey.
- Validate the frustration — "I understand you're angry with your parents for not being here. That's a normal reaction."
- Don't criticise the parents, even when the adolescent does. Silence, or "I understand your perspective", works better than "don't talk about your parents like that".
Children sense lies about big things, even without saying so. A lie builds more mistrust than a hard truth does.
❌ "Dad's coming in two months" — when you know he isn't.
✅ "Dad still has a lot of work. I don't know exactly when. I'll tell you the moment he knows."
Many grandparents try to distract a crying child — sweets, toys, "come on, no more crying". That teaches the child that emotions are dangerous.
Instead: sit with them, hold them, let them cry. Reassure them: "It's okay to miss her. You don't have to stop."
You don't have the resources to parent at 60 or 70. Accept:
- The school psychologist — free, useful, particularly when there are problems at school. Ask for a confidential meeting.
- The social worker — in Moldova every commune has one, and they can advise.
- Extended family — aunts, uncles, relatives who can take a few hours a week.
- The parents abroad — communicate needs concretely. "Your son needs a stricter call schedule."
Recognise these signs — they need a psychologist, not simply more time:
- Daily crying more than three months after the parent left.
- Persistent school refusal.
- Self-harm, even superficial.
- Loss of appetite leading to weight loss.
- An adolescent talking about "disappearing" or "not being here any more" — even as a joke.
- Dramatic behaviour — running away, substance use.
In these cases, don't wait. Call a helpline or find a psychologist.
Worth taking to a therapist: if you have been raising a grandchild for a year or more and you can see they are suffering, child therapy can help a great deal. You don't have to carry it alone. Book a free call with a child therapist.
You are in the invisible role. You do a parent's work without credit, without breaks, with a tired body. Three things.
1. You are allowed to be exhausted. Don't judge yourself for being irritable sometimes, for crying, for wishing other people were here to take over. That is human, not a defect.
2. You need breaks. Ask for two or three hours alone once a week — at a neighbour's, a relative's, anywhere. It isn't a luxury, it is a necessity.
3. You are allowed to grieve for yourself. You lost something too — your daughter isn't here. On top of that you are doing a mother's work a second time. That pain is yours and doesn't have to be set aside.
From UNICEF and ASSP Moldova practice:
- A daily video call, short — 10-15 minutes. Better than an hour every three days.
- Eating together — the child eats in front of the camera, mum eats "with them". It rebuilds the family ritual.
- Reading together — mum reads a bedtime story over video.
- Voice messages — more personal than text. Children listen to them repeatedly.
- A visible plan — a wall calendar: "mum comes on 20 December." Cross off each day together.
You made an extraordinary decision, raising grandchildren at a time when you should be resting. That is love in action, even if you never call it that.
The truth is that you are doing essential work for two generations. And you don't have to do it alone. Ask for help. Talk. Take pleasure where you can. Cry when you need to.
Next step: if you see signs your grandchild is struggling, book a free call with a therapist, or see specialists for children.
