Assertiveness

Also called: assertive communication

Saying what you need directly, without erasing yourself and without trampling the other person — the third option between submission and aggression.

Assertiveness is a communication skill, not a personality trait, and it trains like any other.

The classic structure has three parts: the observation (what happened, without interpretation), the effect (what it produced in you) and the request (what specifically you want). “You've been late three times this week. When it happens I end up rescheduling everything after it and finishing late in the evening. I'd like you to let me know an hour ahead if you won't make it.”

What separates it from aggression is not tone but content: aggression attacks the person, assertiveness describes the behaviour. What separates it from passivity is that the request is actually made, not implied.

The real cost of assertiveness is that sometimes the answer is no. Anyone who confuses assertiveness with a guarantee of getting what they want abandons it quickly — which is exactly why training includes, explicitly, practice at being refused.

What it is confused with

With aggression. The most common confusion, especially for someone who has been passive a long time: the first attempts at assertiveness sound harsh, because they arrive carrying accumulated resentment. That does not make assertiveness aggressive; it means it needs practising before things pile up.

With “being direct”. Directness without the effect and without the request is just an observation. Assertiveness needs all three parts.

With persistence. Repeating the same request ten times is not more assertive. Assertiveness also includes accepting the answer, plus deciding what you do next.

Related terms

Personal boundaries Codependency

Methods that work with this

Cognitive behavioural therapy

These definitions are informational. They do not replace an assessment by a professional and are not enough for self-diagnosis.

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